I had a paddle boarding date last weekend, a lovely man, but I don’t think we were a fit–despite a stellar day on the water.  He was introspective, and a man who looked at life and people as tenderly as I’d seen in awhile.

Here’s an observation, he was a good provider.  They raised two kids together and both went off to college etc.  In conversation he talked about how he was the saver, and she was the spender.  Well, yes.  He was the breadwinner, fully funded “his” 401k and profit sharing, and she raised the kids and ran the household.  I prefaced this story by saying what a genuinely kind soul this man was (and super fit in that gorgeous surfer-fit way).  However, when you look at it from his perspective, he is (technically) right, he was the saver, she paid the bills, or however it worked in their particulars–it was a first date, so I didn’t have all the details.

What struck me is that what he said is true AND it is entirely inaccurate at the same time. A family unit puts money away for the future, for retirement, for college, for travel–and the list goes on and on. In a relationship the assets, responsibilities and income are pooled–we’re working towards a common goal.

What I often see in my practice, is a woman who, post-divorce, has had those labels firmly affixed across the forehead of her psyche.  From this, then comes the natural progression to: I’m going to run out of money, or “I spend too much.”  My experience has been that most often, the spending is less than what alimony, child support and/or income from her investment accounts that we manage, can produce.

The hardest part is taking a look.  The taking stock of “What Is” is terrifying. Truly. However, most all are so often surprised at how much less they spend than what they’d assumed, even more so as a percentage of their gross income from all sources. They do in fact have enough to live on.

A fairly new widow came in for a review and to ask questions, and find some reassurance about her income from her assets — life insurance proceeds from her spouse that had died in his early 40’s leaving her with more than enough to raise her four children — and the fact that she felt like she was still going to run out of money. Herein lies the beauty of a financial plan with a year by year spending plan using income (dividends and interest) paid FROM her assets rather than withdrawing from the actual principal, your Nest Egg.

I’m working on the vocabulary to continue to improve the way I teach and help to build personal understanding for women in these life circumstances.  The truth is, that we’re all learning this new language, but the language of finance, investments, our money, is essential to our well being, and more importantly to our well being as we age.

We’ve been told repeatedly that we’re ‘not good’ in this arena, that we spend to much, save too little or will wind up penniless. That’s just not the truth, but we need to be able to read, and to see, what the ‘truth’ is.  I’ve often said to a new client that the skills we learned as mothers are directly applicable to our finances:  Tell us what we need to do, and we’ll do it. I think about my children when they had hospitalizations, surgeries, rehab and the subsequent list of to-do’s. I did them.  We all did them.  Now, just show us (please, don’t tell us!) what our income is from our investment assets, income sources, and future retirement benefits, pensions or social security.  We’ll make it work.  We always have.  Therein lies the confidence we’ve been looking for.