Today I had a phone call with a young client who is divorcing.  I am helping her with her own SEP and she had emailed me to say that her spouse was “not willing to share” some stock that he currently owned.  She continued, “I had to give in in other financial areas just to try to expedite the process.”  Oh, how I recognize those words. We make choices, we say, ‘it’s not worth it’ as we just want to move on–to move forward. I called and spoke with a Divorce Consultant that I have worked with on numerous occasions. I asked about the stock.  Her answer, “if it was acquired, or paid as remuneration during the marriage, it is a marital asset.  It’s that simple.  But nothing is ever that simple.

When I filed for divorce, I knew that I had $987,000 in our Merrill Lynch accounts. That was about all that I knew, and I thought myself rather smart, after all, I could turn a dirt field into homesites, and build a house on it.  A few days after I had divorce papers served, I called up our Merrill Lynch advisor. He had been highly recommended by my brother-in-law, and IBM executive and a Mormon bishop in Salt Lake City.  Let me back up a little bit more.  As a young, female land developer in Utah, while certainly an anomaly, I had found substantive financial success. When my marriage became more and more difficult, I thought, maybe if I stopped working, stopped earning more than he did, that things, our relationship, might improve.  So I closed my land development company and shuttered my real estate brokerage.  With nearly a million dollars in the bank, I thought we’d be fine, and our marriage might stand a better chance. Two years later when I finally filed for divorce, I hadn’t been working, nor did I have any work in the pipeline. I had no income.

Back to my phone call with our family’s Merrill Lynch advisor, he said, “I’m sorry ma’am, but you’ll have to speak to your husband, your assets are all titled in his name”.  What?  This was the man about whom I was warned by the process server a day earlier that he had tried to run her over. In filing my divorce, I had thought, please, take half, go, be happy, live your life and let me go! I received nothing. I settled for a $12,000 check from an IRA, as the documents provided to the courts showed that was half of everything left at Merrill Lynch.

Years later, when a family friend supoenaed all the Merrill Lynch records we had an eight hour bench trial.  The judge was so angry at my now ex-husband when he read his verdict that he was shaking.  I was awarded half the monies, plus attorney’s fees, plus interest. Vindication. That was short-lived as that judgement was wiped out by a bankruptcy filed by my former spouse.  During the trial, the judge asked me, “Why didn’t you get the accounts frozen?”  I replied that I thought the accounts were frozen by virtue of the original court order from our first appearance. The judge informed me that I should have walked that court order into my Merrill Lynch broker and only then would the accounts have been frozen.  Word to the wise.

I did not receive any other settlement from my marital assets. When I do finally share my story, I recite my mantra, that yes, it is too bad, “but it’s the smallest price to pay for the rest of my life.”  I still believe this is true.  I fought as long as I was able and then I let go. Now as part of my daily practice I ask women questions on these type of topics, and point them in the right direction for additional help. These are conversations we need to bring out of a hushed back room. We can speak up, share, encourage and help the next woman to make it back up onto her feet.  That’s my goal.  Let’s step up and extend a hand of friendship, encouragement and understanding to each other. Let’s talk openly and candidly.  Let’s share.